In this episode, we introduce the inspiring Stella Fosse, a writer who transitioned from a career in biotech to championing creativity and empowerment for older women. With encouragement from her children and a supportive network of changemakers, Stella discovered the political power of her writing in response to ageist and sexist norms in the publishing industry. Through her books, blogs, and workshops, Stella actively challenges social constructs surrounding aging and advocates for women’s continued growth and exploration of their own stories. Speaking on the importance of intergenerational connection, Stella shares, “No matter what age you are, if you’re lucky, you’re going to get to be an older person.”
Read more about Stella Fosse at https://stellafosse.com/
Her latest book is Write and Sell a Well Seasoned Romance.
TRANSCRIPT
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Welcome to Grandma Magic, a podcast from The Grandmother Collective. We are a non-profit organization that supports and advocates for a world where a grandmother’s power is seen, cultivated, and activated for positive change. The Grandma Magic podcast is an opportunity to learn more about the unique roles that grandmothers, aunties, and other older women around the world play in advancing positive social development by talking to and learning from grandmother changemakers. We hope this series inspires you, brings you joy, and helps you recognize the enduring magic and wisdom that comes from grandmothers everywhere. Today, we’re excited to introduce Stella Fosse, an author who began writing in her sixties as a response to ageism and sexism. Through her books, workshops, and blogs, she empowers older women to explore their creativity and embrace their stories. Author of Aphrodite’s Pen and Brilliant Charming Bastard, Stella leads workshops on romance, erotica, and memoir writing, encouraging women to celebrate love, passion, and life beyond midlife. Her latest book, Write and Sell a Well-Seasoned Romance, helps women craft vivid stories of love later in life, continuing her mission to champion older women’s creativity. Stella, thanks for joining us.
Stella Fosse: Oh, thank you so much. It’s great to be here.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Great. Well, so you know that we always ask this question, and I think it’s a softball, but you told me that it’s hard. So what is a tradition, ritual, or some important kind of thing that you really want to make sure you’re passing down to the next generation?
Stella Fosse: I think this is a really tough question. I have four kids, and they’re all so different from one another. One of them has pretty severe cerebral palsy and has an identical twin who’s an attorney in New York City. Those are my boys. Then I have a daughter who is a graphic designer in Portland, and I have a daughter who was adopted from Hanoi, who is way younger than the rest of them. She’s a new college graduate and finding her way in the world. So when I think about passing on a tradition to the four of them, there isn’t probably one thing that would work for all four of them, but maybe I could say a general thing, which is I raised my kids in the Unitarian Universalist tradition, and there are principles in that theological framework that I’m really glad my kids were exposed to when they were young before they reached the grown-up stage they’re in now. So things like appreciating the interconnected web of all life on this planet, ideas like respecting the dignity and worth of every individual — those are values that I hope my kids, and I believe my kids, are bringing into their four very different adult lives. And those basic values translate into things like supporting reproductive freedom for women, supporting the right of people to vote, supporting truth in news, and being able to access factual news that represents the world as it is. So that’s maybe kind of an amorphous, hippie-dippy answer, but that’s as granular as I can get because my kids are living such different lives.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Yeah, I appreciate that you drilled down to the meaning behind things. But I wonder if you could speak a little bit to what it looks like to show what it means to have that interconnectedness. Like, how do you show that to children or to the next generation? What are the ways in which you have been able to instill those values? Let me give an example: when I was a kid, we always went down to a church that wasn’t our church in downtown Phoenix on Christmas Eve, and my parents made sure we were there for at least 10 years. Because that church didn’t have a choir, we showed up with a group of people from this theater my parents started. I come from this kind of artsy background, and we sang at this church — it wasn’t our church, they weren’t our community — but it was a tradition that, I think, fundamentally shared with me and my sister that we are part of a bigger community. We have a talent and a gift to give, and when you can, you should. And it was like the spirit of Christmas and all that other stuff too. But that’s, I guess, one of the ways I’ve been trying to frame this question. I guess I’m really digging in with you today on what is the mechanism by which we create these values and norms in our communities and in our families.
Stella Fosse: So, when my three birth kids were little, we used to serve breakfast at a homeless shelter. And my son, who has CP, is a huge sports fan. One time when we had served breakfast, we were all sitting at different tables with folks who were having breakfast. My son sat with a man who showed him his baseball card. This gentleman had been a major league baseball player and was now an unhoused person. That was really all he owned — this one baseball card from when he’d been in the major leagues. And I don’t think my son will ever forget that experience of talking with that gentleman.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): So setting up experiences to take this theory into practice. Maybe you didn’t even do it intentionally — it just happened because you already have those values and belief systems.
Stella Fosse: It was just serendipity, really. So that was way at the beginning of their lives. At this point in life, becoming an author who writes about older women’s sexuality, I thought I would be embarrassing my children. And instead, it turns out they see this as empowering for older women. My daughters, in particular, are future older women, and they see this as an important thing to do, which is not at all what I expected.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): That’s where you were going with that earlier. That’s an interesting lesson to learn: that when you put yourself out there, if you’ve done your job, people trust and love you regardless.
Stella Fosse: Yeah. In fact, my daughter, who’s a designer, designs my book covers. I never expected that sort of support and encouragement from my kids. And again, it speaks to how interconnected we all are. No matter what age you are, if you’re lucky, you’re going to get to be an older person. And I don’t think every young person gets that, but perhaps the experience of seeing their mom take on this second career has helped my kids to see that for themselves.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): I always tell people this work with older women is a very healing process for myself, recognizing that I have many lives to live and many directions and transitions to make. So, why don’t you tell me about your transition, Stella? What was this journey to taking on a second career? And maybe share a little more about what you do.
Stella Fosse: When I was in my late fifties, my second marriage ended. At the same time, I was thinking about retirement. I had been a tech writer in the biotech industry and then had been in charge of a group of folks doing that work as I progressed in my career. But what I always wanted to do was write my own stuff. The thing is, when you have four kids and the kind of job where, if you get an email at four in the morning, you’re expected to answer it by seven, there isn’t really time to develop another writing practice. But in my late 50s, as my kids were moving into their adult lives and as I saw the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of my biotech career, I started thinking about what I wanted to do next. It was pretty obvious that I wanted to write books. Around that time, I read an article in the New York Times book review section by a woman romance writer in her 50s who encouraged her sister writers to write romance characters in their 20s if they wanted to get published. And I thought to myself, is that really what I want to be doing? Do I want to be closeted that way when I graduate into my own writing career, making my own decisions about what to write instead of writing for an employer? And the answer was hell no, I do not want that. At the same time, I was aghast that the publishing industry could be that ageist, which was naive on my part because we all know the publishing industry isn’t just ageist; it has a history of racism, misogyny — it reflects the larger society.
Around the same time, a friend of mine, Lynx Cannon, who writes erotica, started a reading series at a local bookstore. It was called “Dirty Old Women” and happened once a month. She invited her friends to write erotic stories and read them in front of an audience at this bookstore café in Oakland, California. I thought, okay, let me put my money where my mouth is. If I really don’t want to be closeted, how about trying this thing? It was scary — getting up in front of a whole bunch of people I didn’t know and reading a story with this level of intimacy. But it turned out to be a fantastic experience. The place was always packed every month, and women in their 30s would come up afterward and say, thank you, thank you for doing this; we’re being told that women’s sexuality and romantic lives end at 40. Hearing women in their 50s, 60s, and beyond reading stories like you were reading is just such a relief. So we did that for quite a while. In the meantime, we started a writing group with some of these women from Dirty Old Women. We got together once a month, called it Eldorotica, and had writing prompts, snacks, and read to each other. It was a great time. That writing group is still going on. I no longer live in California, but I Zoom into it once a month. Also, Lynx Cannon published a collection of stories from that reading series called the Dirty Old Women Anthology. Another friend of mine has a writing-and-art retreat in Marin County that she hosts twice a year now. I happened to sit next to a woman I didn’t know, and I said, “I’m in this elder erotica writing group and am thinking about writing a book about how to write erotica for older women.” She replied, “Oh, I work at North Atlantic Books, and we’d love to publish a book like that.” So that’s how my first book, Aphrodite’s Pen: The Power of Writing Erotica After Midlife, came to be — no book proposal, no query letters, just networking. That is the power of older women together, networking. The book contains interviews with women writers, sample writing, and lots of prompts and ideas for doing your own writing or starting a writing group of your own. That’s how this career really launched.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): I think it’s so interesting and beautiful that it started with women gathering. In a lot of anti-ageism work, and probably feminist or pro-women work, we often have to prove there’s a market. Constantly proving demand is there. Women so naturally gather and support each other in this way, creating that demand and proving there’s a market.
Stella Fosse: My new book on writing romance novels includes quotes from reader reviews of seasoned, late-life romance out there. If you look on Goodreads, for example, some books already exist, and readers say things like, thank goodness I found this book — there just aren’t enough romance novels with older characters. Speaking of the market, half the women who read romance are over 48, but publishers have been pushing the idea that characters need to be in their 20s. I think a lot of women would rather read about characters their own age than their children’s age.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): I don’t want to read about people fumbling around in their first romantic experience.
Stella Fosse: No, I mean, it’s nice if you’re that age, but…
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Yeah, I’ve already done that. That was uncomfortable. Let’s talk about mature love.
Stella Fosse: Yes, people who’ve figured out what they’re doing.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): That was actually not fun, that period of life. It’s a little more fun later. Had you always been interested in novels? Were you an avid reader?
Stella Fosse: No, I’m still not that interested in romance novels, frankly. For me, this is a political thing. It’s weird to say it out loud. I have written one romance novel. Lynne Spreen, who is a terrific writer of seasoned romance, has written so many. But I took a time out at one point in my biotech career, got a teaching credential, and taught English and biology, which is a funny combination. I went back into biotech because I couldn’t survive on a teacher’s salary, but that’s a whole other conversation. I think that teaching bent is still with me. I taught a romance writing class online for an organization where you had to be 65 or older to join. The class was popular. And then the organization folded. I thought, okay, I have all this material, this was fun — how about I find a different way to share this? Hence, this book. But true romance readers read like three of these books a week. That’s not me, but I did a lot of research, so the book is informed by that.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Ultimately, your goal is for women to feel empowered, seen, and to have an avenue to express themselves, right?
Stella Fosse: Right. Romance is a political tool. In its origins, the publishing establishment hated the idea of women writing and reading stories about women’s desire. But those books made a mint for the industry, so they kept publishing them. Now, romance isn’t just young, able-bodied, white characters. It’s a bigger tent, with room for late-life romance. Romance can expand our concept of what it’s like to be an older woman.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Who is your typical audience for a class or your book?
Stella Fosse: The folks in my classes were over 65, but I envision women mostly over 50 using my book. But really, anyone who loves romance and wants older characters can use it. Readers who are frustrated by the lack of books with older characters can take the leap and write their own.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): There’s a question I often ask, which is to try to understand personal evolution. You’ve come from a corporate background, been a mother, a partner. Do you have a sense of becoming braver or more political with age?
Stella Fosse: I turned 60, and it felt great, but I’d internalized ideas that aging was negative. At my 60th birthday, people said, “You don’t look 60,” and I thought, yeah, I do. I am 60. Where did these ideas come from, and how do we get rid of them? There’s been this awakening to the indoctrination we had — the whole Disney princess thing, where young women are beautiful but older women are caricatured villains. Our concept of older women is changing, but my process of change coincided with seeing shows like Hacks, Emma Thompson celebrating older women’s sexuality, and books like Joan Price’s Naked at Our Age.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): There’s an Instagram group, something “broads” that features older women in NYC, talking about sex, having fun, defying stereotypes.
Stella Fosse: I’m politically involved in North Carolina with a progressive group, mostly older women. We’re involved in voting and reproductive freedom. Older women are big change-makers in many ways.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): They stand up when they see injustice. Many say they no longer need to please a boss or partner, so those constraints lift with age.
Stella Fosse: There is so much freedom.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): It’s amazing how each woman I connect with has her own approach and tools for the same issues.
Stella Fosse: Nancy Pelosi didn’t pursue politics until her last child graduated high school. No man would feel limited in that way. But many women reach a point where they finally have the bandwidth to pursue what they always wanted to do. And we can support policies that enable more women to reach this freedom.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): It’s almost like those with privilege now should enable that freedom for others.
Stella Fosse: Yes, and creativity is a way to make that sense of freedom available to more women. The promise of these years ahead empowers us all.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Women seeing freedom in older age may set themselves up differently for the future. So, what’s next for you, Stella? Another book?
Stella Fosse: I’ve been blogging and doing essays, and I’m pulling together the best of those. My next book, tentatively titled What to Expect When You’re Sixty: Adventures in the Secretly Wonderful Decade, explores themes like creativity, health, and sexuality for older women. I hope it’ll be out by year’s end.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Moving away from erotica but still sticking with aging?
Stella Fosse: Yes, though I’ll still touch on creativity and sexuality.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): You’re reminding me of Mary Pipher’s book we have in our book club — she talks about happiness in later life.
Stella Fosse: You know about the U-shaped curve, right?
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Yes, I’m at the bottom right now, dealing with family, child-rearing, career. But intergenerational conversations remind me there’s a different future.
Stella Fosse: The Geena Davis Institute’s “Frail, Frumpy, and Forgotten” report on media representation of older women showed we’re often comedic relief or frail. We need more representation of strong older women so women in their 30s and 40s can see a positive future.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Stella, thank you for sharing. This was a thoughtful conversation.
Stella Fosse: Thank you. Can I say one more thing? I’m jazzed about The Grandmother Collective and the storytelling work you’re doing. Changing the narrative is key, and I love the cross-cultural aspect. I’m also thrilled that women are using my book, Well-Seasoned Romance, to write their own stories. It’s exactly what I hoped for — to expand the universe of stories for older women.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): That’s the best feeling. Thank you for being part of us. We’re happy to have you.
Stella Fosse: Thanks. I really enjoyed this discussion.
Lynsey Farrell (Host): Thanks, Stella.
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